Angelina Jolie is making me rethink my tattoo

The Super Bowl is all about the advertising, with a football game going on in the background. The Oscars are all about the dresses, and something about movies. This year, when I watched the Super Bowl I found myself learning some of the rules of football. Tonight, I learned some of the rules of Oscar. Allow me to share.

If you are the unknown escort of a Hollywood hunk, wear the ugliest dress you can find. Work hard at it, because everyone hates you anyway.


If you're a foreigner, go for the respect me or I might kill you look.


When no one knows your name, try to make the worst dressed list, because there's no such thing as bad publicity.


When you've reached the A list, you can get away with wearing anything.


If you're just coming off a stint in anorexia rehab, flaunt it.


Play to your strengths, even if you left them in the 80s.


Models have a different set of rules. Something to do with wearing a dress that looked better on the hanger, and should have been left there.


If you wait long enough, you get a pass.


Don't wear a dress that might poke you in the eye during the ride to the show. It'll make your face look like this.


Let the professionals clean the fish.


Unwrap the box the dress came in.


And finally, no matter how weirdly creepily beautiful you are, remember to wash off the stamps from last night's clubbing before dressing up.